All By Myself

This morning, I took L to the airport so he could go to work, came home, ate some food, made a to-do list, and was sitting on the couch researching chickens and chicken coops for the backyard when I got a text from a high school friend, telling me that one of our favorite teachers had died over the weekend. I then received a similar text from another high school friend, echoing the news. I texted L (we went to high school together), who I knew was getting ready for a flight and got a quick, “Yes I heard. I’ll call later.” I sat on the couch in shock. I didn’t feel like I could just go back to researching chickens, and the one person I wanted to talk to about this or be held by while I cried about this was getting ready to fly to Dallas. When people learn that L is a pilot and they respond, “Wow, that’s so cool!” I know they’re not thinking about the pain that comes with receiving devastating news and not being around people or person that you love. This is not the first time in 5 years that I’ve received shocking news or something crazy has happened and L has been away because of work, and in the beginning of our relationship and my introduction to this lifestyle, it was really hard for me to cope with these situations. “How can I live with the most important part of my support system regularly away from me?” was the question I was struggling with, and it wasn’t until I was seeing a therapist who helped me develop a self-care plan that was contigent on myself, that I got the answer.

Community is deeply important, especially in times of crisis. L and I recently moved back to the city where we had had a strong community because being away from one had been difficult for us, and being in a relationship is another incredible source of support when you’re struggling. When we first started dating, L would make comments about “Being excited to have a person” and it is really comforting to have that built in support system- but sometimes everyone is busy/sick/out of town and so it’s really important to be able to soothe yourself in a healthy way. When working with this therapist, she made the comment that “You are the only person you can depend on to always be there for you.” She wasn’t saying this to say that you should eschew community or a relationship because you can’t depend on them, but that you needed to have a plan in place for when your partner is flying to Dallas and ironically, the other friend you would ask to come over, is also in Dallas.

It’s not always fun to self-soothe, I love physical touch, and any time I am feeling sad, scared, or angry, my number one preferred method of being soothed is having L play with my hair. Having a plan for self-soothing though, makes it easier to transition from “I’m experiencing this emotion and now I’m extra upst because my partner isn’t here” to “I will be okay.” The best way I have found to come up with a self-soothing plan is to physically list activities that help calm you down and that you can reference when you’re upset. The act of writing helps you to remember it, and having something to reference means you’re not upset and freaking out and now also trying to remember what you like to do in order to calm yourself down. I’ve listed out the steps I take to self-soothe, I am not saying this is the only way or even the best way, but if you’ve never heard of self-soothing or thought about it before, hopefully there is a particle of something you can take and use for yourself.

(Please note: I am NOT a licensed mental health provider or licensed professional. All advice given is paraphrased from various therapists and what I have experienced personally. Pls don’t sue me!!!)

Step 1: Text your friends. I have a massive groupchat with friends I met in an online community (and it does include several IRL friends) so I texted them to let them know what was happening and ask for support. Text your friends and let them know when you need them! They love you and want to help you. While they might not be able to be physically present, having them text you to check in on you, send you a meme to cheer you up, or a YouTube video to distract you are all beautiful ways they can support you from afar. It can add to the spiral of “I’M SO ALONE” if you text them and don’t receive an immediate response, so remind yourself that everyone has a life and stuff going on and they will respond when they can, and move on to Step 2 while you wait.

Step 2: Set up an appointment with your therapist. Generally, I see my therapist every 2-3 weeks, and since I saw her last week, I was going to have a whole week go by until I saw her again, so I reached out and asked if she had any openings for this week. I was able to get in with her, and while it won’t be for a few more days, it’s definitely better than waiting a full week and I can use some shorter term coping skills in the meantime. My friends are an incredible support system for me, but everything felt so big at once, I knew I wanted to unpack this all with a professional. If you don’t have a therapist, I wholly recommend one, I have had some really incredible therapists who have helped me so much.

Step 3: Keep your pilot in the loop. Today is a day where L has three legs with shorter layovers and he won’t be available until almost 10 p.m. We texted a bit on one of his layovers and confirmed that he would call at the end of the day. Letting them know how you’ve been feeling throughout the day and what you’ve been doing to cope can help them better support you. This situation is unique in that both L and I are affected by the news, so we will be supporting each other this phone call. There have definitely been instances where I am frustrated that L isn’t physically here or very available to support me and then I take that frustration out on L, so it’s important to remember that your pilot wishes they could be with you and supporting you and they’re sad to not be with you when you need them. The “enemy,” if you will, is the situation that you’re coping with, not the person who is gone.

Step 4: Currate a list of activities you enjoy that can help you process your emotions and/or distract you. After sitting on the couch for a bit, I felt a lot of activation and energy in my body so I went to the gym and used the elliptical as hard as I could until all of the energy was out of my body and I didn’t want to be on the elliptical anymore. (Not every workout has to be a perfect workout! You can just do the ellipitical until you’re tired and then leave!) I came home and showered, and then ate a giant bowl of pesto pasta. I took care of the laundry mountain I had that needed to be folded and put away. I made a note on my phone of what I was feeling and what I wanted to talk about with my therapist when I see her this week. I gave myself a blow out. I started writing this post. I find that having a mix of “processing” activities and distracting activities works best for me. Distraction, while not an ideal long term solution, is super valuable for short-term periods, like waiting a few days before you can get in with your therapist or when your pilot gets home.

Step 5: Remember that this is not permanent and it will pass. It can be really easily to feel like negative emotions are here to stay and like you’ll never get over them. I had a therapist offer the analogy of the fish in the pond, your body is the pond and the fish are the emotions, and sometimes one fish will seem more prominent than the others, but they are all constantly moving and changing. The added challenge to having a pilot partner is that you can develop the belief that they will never be around any time you have a crisis and you will always be alone when bad things happen. That is not true because you have other friends and supports in your life, and you have yourself, and you can take care of you.

Life is hard, and having a partner that is away constantly can make it harder. That does not mean it is too hard for you to make it. Self-soothing is an important skill to learn, and you do have to practice it to be good at it. While ideally, there wouldn’t be a next time, there will probably be a next time that you get hit with difficult news or a tough situation and your partner is gone and you have to deal with it yourself. Developing a self-soothing plan and the skills to carry it out will help make those times more bearable. You can get through this, and you will be okay.